Sometimes the twists of life’s road is enough to kill a person… or so I’ve been told a few thousand times in my lifetime – all 30 years. There have been times that I almost believed this. But I recently heard something that made me change the way that I thought about this idea of “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”
As we’ve been visiting churches the past few months, we have heard message after message – some complicated, some practical, some convicting and some just good ol’ preaching. But of all the things we’ve “heard” only one statement has continued to plague my mind and soul.
The context was something about the blessings that God has planned for us as His children. But the statement went something like this…
Now, we know that God would never give us more than we can handle. And sometimes… that means success too!
I have to admit. It’s nothing new or ground-breaking, but to me… in my heart, it was like a resounding gong whose vibrations hit the very core of my being. I mean, as Christ followers we KNOW that God will not give us more than we can bare or handle. But, let’s be honest, we don’t exactly believe that in certain moments. You know – THOOOOOSSSssseee moments. The moments when the sink is piled high of dirty dishes, the dishwasher is full of what you thought were clean dishes, but you’re not sure anymore because that was yesterday or maybe that was the day before; the bills are still sitting on the corner of the cabinet because you can’t find where you put the stamps; the boss calls you in to work an hour early to cover a shift, but you promised your friend you would stop by to see her new pinterest craft hanging on the front door and because you’re such a good friend – you go, even if you can’t stop by – you at least see the colors and know the time that was put in so that when you do talk to her, you know exactly what to say and how to say it; the hallway closet is a disaster from Christmas, so finding the 2 baby shower gifts you know you put in there is impossible at this moment; and when you finally go to get ready for bed, you’re out of your moisturizer that you can only get by going to that one place on the other side of town that’s closed until Monday… you know – THOSE moments. There were days it wasn’t so surface – my destiny and dreams were in question, my gifts and talents weren’t being utilized.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m one grateful girl. So very thankful for the dishwasher I have and the money to pay for the bills, the job and non-discontinued facial product, the ability to dream and a voice to sing. But sometimes, in real life – it’s just hard to see past all the little things. I’m a good time manager. And I’m really organized. My everyday doesn’t look always end up quite this dis-organized. Sometimes, it’s simply me not being able to control situations or people.
This past year has been full of a lot of questions. My biggest – where am I supposed to be? There are times it sounded more like “what am I supposed to be doing?” For some reason I just could not figure out why God would ask for so many changes in my life in one year – ask me to handle all of the changes and then not help me feel contentment or satisfaction in any of it, especially since I made transitions – big transitions – out of His peace in doing so. I’ve just felt like one big failure of a Christian – trying to “handle” it all. I kept asking these questions and kept getting nothing – nada – zilch. Disappointment and rejection fought a good battle and some days they won.
I guess I’ve always considered the “more than you can handle” thing all about the trials we face every day. But the day I heard this statement, I realized that I have had it all wrong. A year ago, I could not have handled the “success” I so desperately wanted. I will go so far as to say, if He would have given it to me then, I know for certain I would have mis-handled it in every way. It was coming to a place where I was able to ask God to position me in a place to handle the success – knowing full well that this would be the beginning of season of brokenness before Him.
Several years ago, a dear friend of mine gave me a book about brokenness. When I finally read it, it changed my view of God’s definition of brokenness. I want brokenness to follow me in every step I take… without it, I can not be successful – in anything.
I want God’s favor in my life. And after getting to grapple a few months with this idea that I – me, Courtney – was the one who was in no way ready for all the things I was asking God for, that’s when I realized that it didn’t matter how great my time management skills were or how orderly my house is. What matters most is my heart.
- I wanted to go back to school – I would have wasted time and money because He orchestrated a change in direction that I could not forsee.
- I wanted to get a great job in a promising field – I had some serious unforeseen health issues come us that would have made having a new job very difficult while walking through this season.
- I wanted to start a family – financially God knew we would not be in the “best” place, just an okay place.
And now, I can pursue school with great expectations of finishing with no resources wasted!!
And now, I have just accepted a job in a promising field that has lots of room to grow – a total God-thing – as he just so kindly dropped this in my lap!
And now, we are going to be in a more secure and stable financial place that will allow us to begin our family soon knowing we are in His “best”!! (shout out to Dave Ramsey!!)
For the first time, I believe I finally get His desire for me, not to just handle the trials and tribulations that this life brings – but also, it’s successes. My kitchen sink will still have dirty dishes sometimes, age has kicked in and I don’t always remember if the dishwasher has already run or not. And I still can’t find those baby shower gifts – oh well! Tomorrow I get to start again, with brokenness as my shadow. For some reason it makes me want to sing, “He’s still working on me. To make me what I ought to be…”
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